G*d: Our exclusive interview (part 1)
The Creator of the Universe finally explains the whole "Promised Land" thing
Alan: Thanks very much for taking time to talk with me. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate.
G*d: Not as much as you might think!
Alan: How so?
G*d: I’ve already done the heavy lifting. So now I mostly relax and reminisce… and watch the NHL playoffs, of course. But please remember this: What happens next in the world is mostly up to you folks.
Alan: Well, here’s what’s next for the two of us: a fascinating book by the Rev. Dr. Naim Stifan Ateek, who, as you know, is the father of Palestinian liberation theology.
G*d: Naim Stifan Ateek?? I love that guy! And his questions — always on point.
Alan: They sure are. Especially this one from his book:
Alan: Did you or did you not promise any land of any size in any location to Abraham and his descendants?
G*d: Is this one of those “gotcha” questions that you journalists so enjoy?
Alan: No, no. Not at all. It’s just a question that keeps popping up down here.
G*d: Well, the answer depends on which Book you’re reading, and how you read it. If you place any value in the Hebrew Scriptures — and I do, since I inspired them; I call it Volume I of my monotheism trilogy — then, yes, of course I promised the patriarchs and prophets and all the people of Israel, repeatedly, via revelation and in writing and through the oral tradition, that I’d eventually find a home for the Jewish people — a real, physical spot here on Earth.
Alan: Why promise to give land to Abraham and his kin? Why was that necessary?
G*d: Well, think about it from a storytelling perspective: Would Abraham have left his father’s house and his friends and community without some promise of a future home for him and his family? Would he abandon everything he had for nothing in particular? Would you?
Alan: Probably not. But if you…
G*d: Would the Hebrews have followed Moses out of Egypt if they didn’t have an enticing vision of where they might settle down someday? Slavery in Egypt OR life in a land of milk and honey. I made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.
Alan: They could have chosen to…
G*d: Now, imagine if I brought the people to Mt. Sinai, established my eternal Covenant with them, and then said, “Good luck, guys! Hope everything works out for the best!” What would have happened?
Alan: 🤷♂️
G*d: They all would have died in the desert, or have been forced back into bondage in Egypt. They’d have no place to call home. Can you imagine how that would have ruined the Story… and My reputation? I’d have been a laughingstock.
Alan: Yeah, I see your point.
G*d: Also, without Jews in their homeland, there would be no Temple, no Babylonian exile and no return, no prophets, no prophecy, no Song of Songs, no Roman occupation, and — this is critical — no Christian messiah. If I didn’t give the Jews a landing spot, then the whole Story would have come to a screeching halt long before it got rolling.
Alan: Wait a sec… let’s back up a bit. Why tell Abraham to leave home in the first place? He had a home in Ur of the Chaldees. Why not give him the good news — that You exist, that You love each one of us, that human history has a point and a purpose— and then let him share this insight and Your values with his family, friends, and neighbors, right there in the town where he grew up?
[G*d chuckles… then laughs… and laughs some more. Tears stream down His face from laughing so hard… slapping His knee, now… then He gasps to catch his breath… more hysterical hoots & guffaws…]
Alan: What’s so funny?
G*d [trying to compose Himself]: You are!
Alan: Me?? Why am I funny?
G*d: Because you evidently believe that Abraham could walk around the city of Ur and convince his neighbors that I exist — the invisible Creator of the Universe who doesn’t even have a recognizable name — and that the status quo in Ur of the Chaldees needed to change.
Alan: You think that’s unrealistic?
G*d: If Abe had tried that approach, the King would have tossed him in a padded cell and thrown away the key. Abe’s neighbors would have shunned him. And the Story? Dead in its tracks.
Alan: So you don’t believe humanity can change?
G*d: I know that humanity can’t change that fast. It takes time, My friend. Lots of time. Generations. Millennia. Fortunately, time is something that I have in abundance.
But you know all this already! Go back and read the transcript of your earlier interview with Abraham. He spelled it out for you, clear as day.
Alan: So you told Abraham to hit the road and… and then what?
G*d: Hit the road and keep the faith. That’s it.
Alan: But that wasn’t it. You promised him and his descendants a land of their own.
G*d: Yes, I did. I had no other viable option, as I’ve explained. The Jews needed a small, clearly circumscribed place where they could rest their heads and do their Jewish thing without bothering the neighbors.
Alan: Please accept the following comment in the spirit that I offer it: You’re not a very stable or reliable landlord. You give the Jews some territory, then You evict them. And you’ve done it repeatedly. Into the land with Joshua and Caleb… then you exile us to Babylon… then back to Jerusalem, thanks to Cyrus the Great of Persia… then into exile again when the Romans got cranky… then, almost 2,000 years later, in 1948, after World War II and the Shoah, we get to go home again.
G*d: And your point is… ?
Alan: Volatile landlords like you usually get sued by their tenants.
G*d (chuckling): They’d lose! My covenantal promise of a Jewish homeland has always been conditional. If the Jews pursue justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with Me, then they get to stay in the land. But if they forget Me and all I did to bring them out of bondage in Egypt, and they behave like thugs and fail to love their neighbor and care for the widow and orphan, and they go whoring after other gods, then according to the Contract — a Contract you all signed at Sinai! — I can take away the land and send all you kids back into exile.
Alan: That’s rather harsh.
G*d: Harsh? More like tough love. Or what parents call a “time out.” So don’t look at Me, buddy! Talk to your Tribe. You guys reap what you sow. But also keep this in mind: I expect you to defend yourselves. Don’t be sheep to the slaughter. You deserve better. And so does everyone else.
Alan: Okay. I kinda get what you’re driving at. But it also feels like something fundamental changed 2,000 years ago.
G*d: You noticed!
Alan: Of course we noticed! How could we not? So, tell us: Why Jesus? What’s the point or purpose of that plot twist?
G*d: Hmmm… how to explain this…
Well, several millennia after I established My eternal covenant with the Jews — and eternal means forever, by the way — I became engrossed in a few passion projects, so to speak. I’ve been reading a lot, and writing some poetry; I taught myself bass guitar, and I’ve grown some prize-winning heirloom tomatoes.
I also became very involved with one of my sons — an unusually bright and sensitive kid. Born in Bethlehem and later living in Nazareth, he worked part-time as a carpenter. After work, he’d often swing by for dinner and ask me lots of questions about the family business. He also spent a lot of time arguing with his teachers, especially about the proper Jewish response to the Roman occupation of Judea.
Alan: He was hardly alone. Plenty of Jews were arguing about the same thing back then.
G*d: True. But Jesus brought his ideas and recommendations to an entirely different level. More times than I can count, he’d say to me: Your grand plan is fatally flawed, Dad. You’ve screwed up big time.
Alan: Kids these days…
G*d: They think they have all the answers!
Alan: So, Jesus thinks You’ve screwed up how?
G*d: He says My focus is far too narrow, too parochial. You’re playing favorites, he tells me. And by making such grandiose promises to one particular nation — including the promise of a homeland — you are dispossessing other people, thereby undermining your credibility. The Creator of the Universe must eventually include everyone in the Story. Otherwise, it’s a terrible tale without any hope for universal redemption.
Alan: Smart kid!
G*d: Yes, indeed! But he was sooo impatient. Redemption of the world takes a while, especially because people have free will, I explained to him countless times. Human beings make choices, some good, some bad. Eventually, I hope they learn from the past and figure it all out. But keep this in mind: We’re playing the long game.
Alan: What did Jesus say?
G*d: He doesn’t believe Me. He wants Peace Now, and he thinks he can make it happen, but only if I give him a chance to run the Show himself. He basically wants me to semi-retire. And you know what’s incredible?
Alan: What?
G*d: My beloved son likes to quote the Rev. Naim Stifan Ateek:
Alan: That’s what I asked you at the beginning of this interview!
G*d: I know. But we needed some background before we tackled that question.
Alan: Well, FYI — that question was essentially answered by Naim’s son, the Rev. Dr. Sari Ateek, when I interviewed him a few months ago. “I don’t believe in a God that blesses one group of people by displacing another group of people,” Sari told me. “Something about that doesn’t sound like God to me.”
G*d:
Alan: But haven’t you “displaced” people repeatedly throughout history? Canaanites, Philistines, Hittites, Hivites, Amorites, Jebusites, Moabites and Edomites; the first-born sons of the ancient Egyptians; Babylon, ancient Greece, Rome, the Byzantine empire, the Soviet Union… Poof! All of them — gone! The list of people and polities You have displaced or dissolved is extraordinarily long!
G*d:
Alan: Let me cut to the chase. Sari, Naim, and Jesus seem to be saying the same thing: Your promise of a Promised Land for the Jews contradicts your claim to be a G*d of justice, love, and mercy Who created all people in Your image.
G*d:
Alan: Suddenly so quiet!
G*d: Look, I know it all seems weird. But try to cut me some slack. This is My first attempt to create an entire universe that makes some degree of sense. Yes, I want everyone to know that they matter to Me. But to break my Promise to the first people who went searching for Me — and who have stuck with Me through some very difficult times in the past four thousand years— well, that would ruin my Personal Brand. No one would ever trust me again.
Alan: Good point.
G*d: Here’s what you and everyone else seem to be struggling with: I promised Abraham and his descendants a land AND I also love the Palestinians. How can both things be true when they seem to contradict each other?
Think of this way: I’ve given you a spiritual riddle, a narrative puzzle. The Good News? You can figure it out… but you need to look beyond your own parochial Story to find the solution. Because it’s out there. I promise.
Each of you have a piece of the Abrahamic puzzle — but it’s a puzzle that’s impossible to solve alone.
{… long pause…}
Alan: What now?
G*d: Three things…
First, I want you to remember this essential truth: You can’t have a climax to a Story unless you have a Story to begin with. Meaning: Without the Jews, there is no Jesus… or Mohammed or Martin Luther or Joseph Smith or __________. The challenge is how to tell this Story while affirming My promise of a Promised Land AND while acknowledging that the Palestinians are also essential to the Plot.
Second, I have much more to tell you about the plot twist we call Jesus.
Alan: What’s third?
G*d: The next game of the NHL Eastern Conference Finals is about to begin. Rangers-Panthers. Should be a good one! Can we pick up this conversation next time?
Alan: Yes, of course.
Any idea why audio won't play / there's no play button? I love substack because I can listen to most of my articles and wanted to hear this