'A Goal Without A Plan Is Just A Wish': Palestine Edition (part 1)

Here's a draft of my new screenplay about a (fictional) 2007 meeting of the most passionate activists engaged in the decades-long struggle to "Free Palestine!"

If you want to accomplish anything in life, you need to get organized.

On January 20, 1942, 14 key representatives of the Nazi Party, including the Schutzstaffel (the SS), met secretly at a house in Wannsee, a quiet suburb of Berlin. There, they made the official decision to exterminate the Jewish people.

Three films — The Wannsee Conference (1984), The Conference (2022), and Conspiracy (2001) — each reenact that historic meeting, based on the actual notes and letters written by Hermann Goering and Adolf Eichmann, and the testimony by Eichmann during his 1961 trial in Jerusalem.

These films are bizarre and profoundly disturbing, mostly because the Nazis discuss their genocidal plans calmly and rationally, as if they are corporate executives preparing to launch a new car or an energy drink: Fritz, why don’t you tell us a bit about our supply-chain challenges and your new approach to gas-chamber logistics?

This got me thinking about the thugs from Hamas who slaughtered 1,200 Israelis on October 7th, 2023, and abducted hundreds of hostages. Did they have a Wannsee Conference of their own? Was there a meeting in Gaza years ago when the masterminds of the anti-Zionist axis gathered in one room to plan The Final Final Solution? If so, what might that gathering have looked and sounded like?

I’ve imagined such a meeting in my new screenplay (below).

{If you’re interested in optioning this dramatic work, please contact my agent at CAA.🙃}

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Death Becomes Them [working title]

LOCATION: A few miles southwest of Gaza City, in a semi-restored villa overlooking the Mediterranean Sea.

DATE: August 23, 2007 (more than 15 years before the Nova music festival)

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

• Mahmoud, President, Palestinian National Authority

• Ahmed, Vice President, Palestinian Islamic Jihad

• Yusuf, Director of Mergers & Acquisitions, Hamas

• Mustafa, Minister of Mobile Communications, Hezbollah

• Rashid, Executive Editor, Branded Content, Jaish al-Islam (Army of Islam)

• Omar, Secretary of Suicide Bombing and Elementary Education, Al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigades

• Ibrahim, President emeritus, Salafist Group for Preaching and Combat (Algeria)

• Osama, founder of Al-Qaeda

• Hassan, Director, Media Relations, Jemaah Islamiyah (Southeast Asia)

• Tariq, Senior Supervisor, Customer Service, Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine

• Khalid, Vice President for Quality Control, Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine

• Brian, Summer Intern, United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East (UNRWA)

SETTING: An old villa a few miles southwest of Gaza City. Perched on a gentle rise overlooking the Mediterranean, the two-story villa has faded cream-colored stucco walls, a wrap-around porch, and a terracotta roof with a few tiles missing. The nearest house is hundreds of yards away.

EXT. GAZA SEASIDE VILLA - DAY (9am)

Under a cloudless morning sky, a long procession of gleaming black sedans and SUVs begin pulling up to the villa’s main entrance. Distinguished figures, some in flowing traditional robes, others in impeccably tailored Savile Row suits, emerge from the vehicles, exchange warm greetings, and slowly make their way up the stairs into the villa. Heavily armed security guards surround the compound.

INT. GAZA SEASIDE VILLA - MAIN HALLWAY

As the guests stream in, they stop at a small mahogany table to pick up their name tags and a copy of the official briefing book, a beautifully bound volume with a glossy black cover that includes a photograph of Jerusalem’s Dome of the Rock. Beneath the photo, in elegant gold calligraphy, we see the words: طوفانُ الْاَقْصیٰ. (Al-Aqsa Flood)

INT. GAZA SEASIDE VILLA - MAIN CONFERENCE ROOM

Rashid [loudly]: Okay, gentlemen, let’s take our seats! We’ve got a lot to cover this morning… Yes yes, of course, help yourself to more coffee and ma’amoul — we made it for you! … Please join us at the table, Ahmed… Are we all set, now? … Okay, great… Thank you all for coming, especially on such short notice.

My name is Rashid, and I’m the Executive Editor for Branded Content at Jaish al-Islam, also known as the Army of Islam. I’ll be your moderator for today’s briefing and discussion.

First of all, I really appreciate you guys being here. I know you have a lot on your plates right now, especially given the ongoing insurgency in Iraq and the widespread fighting in Mogadishu. It’s rough out there, folks, but hey! — no one said bringing The Word of The Prophet to the world was gonna be a cakewalk!

[Murmured agreement]

We decided to convene this summit meeting because we now have an incredible opportunity here in Gaza. As you probably know, the Zionist entity unilaterally withdrew from the Strip two years ago. They completely dismantled all 21 of their settlements and evacuated more than 8,000 settlers. Just up and left. I can’t believe they’re gone! Finally, the Gaza Strip is Judenrein.

Ibrahim: Forever?

Rashid: I hope so. I mean, this is huge, fellas. We suddenly have a sizable chunk of land without any internal fences or Zionist checkpoints. Plus a beautiful beach! What’s not to like? But we’re not sitting back and basking in our new freedom. No, sir. Instead, we’re consolidating our gains and building upon this new state of affairs… right, Yusuf? … Yusuf, would you please stand up? …

Yusuf is the Director of Mergers & Acquisitions for Hamas. He’s also a brilliant military strategist, a gourmet cook, a magician with Semtex and C-4, and a man who not only believes in progress, but is taking action to make progress happen every day right here in Gaza. Why don’t you bring everyone up to speed, Yusuf…

Yusuf [standing]: Well, thanks for that generous introduction, Rashid. But to be fair, it’s not just me. This has been a real team effort. We at Hamas have put together a world-class staff of jihadists, including what I humbly believe is the best squad of assassins this side of Jakarta. Our gunmen have been roaming the streets of Gaza for weeks now, killing every Fatah operative we can find. We’re putting down all those rabid Marxist dogs — one shot to the back of the head usually does the trick. And once we’ve liquidated all those secular Palestinian leaders, the chain of command here will be crystal clear: Hamas — and only Hamas — will rule the Gaza Strip.

[Mixed applause]

Rashid: Thanks, Yusuf. Great stuff. I should add that Mahmoud here has graciously taken more than a few bullets for the team. Figuratively speaking, I mean.

Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestine National Authority

Rashid (cont’d): … Yet here he is today, sitting across the table from Yusuf, whose gunmen are currently slaughtering all Mahmoud’s guys in Gaza. Just look at the two of them — drinking coffee, working together, sharing their dreams for a better tomorrow. Is that inspiring, or what?

Mahmoud (blushing): Well, Rashid, as I always say: The enemy of my enemy’s enemy is my… ahhh… no, wait… I mean: Keep all your enemies closer than the, uhh… Do not respond to your enemy’s enmity, but rather, embrace his, uhhh… [Mahmoud looks down at his hands, and his voice trails off]… ehh, never mind.

[Everyone at the table except Mahmoud rises and applauds for a full minute]

Rashid: I gotta say that all you guys never cease to impress me. Yes, the twelve of us have our differences. Some of us are religious, others are secular. Some pay lip service to a two-state solution, others publicly incite Arabs and Muslims to run the Jews into the sea. Some of us proudly declare our intention to one day recapture the Iberian Peninsula and the Gates of Vienna; others keep those plans on the down-low. Some of us pretend to embrace human rights and liberal democracy when we appear on CNN; others insist on “living their truth.” But no matter what might divide us, we have one thing that always unites us: We all despise the Zionists and the Jews!

Everyone [overlapping]: Absolutely! … Right on, brother! … Huzzah! … Bravo! … It is so! … Damn straight! … Preach it, Rashid! … Allahu akbar!

Getting down to business

Rashid: During the next few hours, I want to highlight a problem we are all facing, and then share a possible solution with a specific plan of action that I believe will be essential to our future success. First, let me describe the challenge…

Lately, on the streets of the Zionist entity, we’ve been blowing up buses, knifing pedestrians, and slaughtering kids at pizza parlors. We’re trying to terrorize the Jews, break their spirits, and force them to abandon ship. Problem is, it’s not working. The Zionists don’t seem to be afraid. And even if they were afraid, you gotta wonder: Can we achieve our long-range goals by picking off Jews one busload at a time until they all scurry back to Poland or Germany or Russia or wherever the hell they came from? Or, put more simply: Does our current approach scale?

Tariq: Well, maybe if we tried to…

Rashid [interrupting]: No, of course it doesn’t scale! We can’t get where we want to go by blowing up a few Sbarros. That’s why we need to think bigger, more strategically, and longer term. And that’s why Brian is with us here this morning.

[Brian, sitting at the far end of the table, nods to the group and tries to smile.]

Brian is spending his summer as an UNRWA intern in Rafah. I met him a few weeks ago at a beach bar-b-q, and I must say, the kid impressed me. He has some brilliant ideas about history, human behavior, media ecology, and how to shape the minds of our adversaries, and I want him to share it all with you.

Here’s a little background on Brian: He grew up in Santa Rosa, California. He majored in Comparative Lit at Berkeley. Got his Master’s in Social Psychology at Princeton. He has a PhD in Literary Theory from SUNY-Stonybrook AND an MBA from Harvard. [looks at Brian] That’s quite the CV, buddy! … But hey, I should stop talking and let this smart kid take the mic. So, without further ado, here’s Brian…

[Scattered, perfunctory clapping…]

Brian [stands up]: Uh.. thanks… thank you so much for the warm welcome, Rashid, and good morning to you all. I’m extremely grateful that you invited me here, but I gotta admit I’m a bit nervous. So nervous, in fact, that last night I called my Mom back home to ask for her advice, and she recommended that I open with a joke. So, here it is…

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a mosque: “Today Only,” the sign says. “Convert to Islam and we will give you 100 bucks cash!”
“I’m gonna do it,” one guy tells the other and disappears through the mosque door.
Five minutes later he’s back.
“Well, did you get the cash?” his buddy asks.
“Jeez,” comes the friend’s reply, “is that all you people think about?”

[The room explodes in laughter.]

Brian [visibly relieved his joke landed]: Anyhoo… before I begin, please know I don’t want this to be a lecture. I want it to be a discussion. A conversation. So don’t be afraid to speak up…

Let’s begin by opening your briefing books, which, by the way, were researched, written, and edited mostly by Hassan, Tariq, and Khalid. Excellent work, gentlemen.

Take a look, if you will, at the Table of Contents. You’ll notice the section titles — “Strategic Overview” … “Global Mobilization of Terrorist Infrastructure: A To-Do List” … “All About Paragliders” … “How to Murder a Zionist With One Hand While Holding A GoPro In The Other” … and finally, “The Long View: Liberating Palestine and The Rebirth of The Caliphate.”

You can read it all later, and believe me, it’s great stuff. Beautifully conceived, brilliantly structured, and I love love love the hostage angle! Hostages will keep your brand’s value proposition on the world’s radar long after the initial… umm… let’s call it the initial engagement. And who came up with the whole Palestinian-women-and-children-as-human-shield idea? Was that you, Hassan?

[Hassan smiles and shrugs cryptically. Osama and Ibrahim laugh.]

In any case, I must be blunt: If you guys plan to slaughter a few thousand Jews, rape women, bludgeon children, and drag a couple hundred hostages back here to Gaza AND you plan to offer your own people as blood sacrifices to the gods Intifada and Jihad, then you need to ask yourselves some tough questions.

For example: How will the world react to this bloodbath? Will people love it the way they love horror movies, and demand more death and mayhem? Will they be inspired by watching an oppressed people rise up against their racist-colonial-apartheid-capitalist-communist-infidel overlords? Or — and this is always a possibility — will they be repelled by your grotesque and barbarous violence? Will they rally to our liberation movement and march with our flag in the streets of Paris, London, and New York? Or will they side with The Jew?

Mustafa: … AND will they share our GoPro videos with their friends?

Brian: Yes, Mustafa, exactly right! Your online content must not only excite and engage your audience, it must also activate them. Like, Share, and Subscribe is a good start, but you need a more specific call to action. You also need a vision, a narrative, a Story to give your struggle meaning and purpose. Most of all, you need a fertile environment in which the seeds of the Story you’re telling yourselves — and telling the world — can take root, grow, and expand like kudzu to colonize and, if all goes well, eventually asphyxiate the decadent infidels of the Western world.

Ahmed: But how can we know in advance how this massacre will play on the world stage? We’re not mind readers, Brian. We can’t predict the future.

Brian: Very true, Ahmed. That’s why Allah created marketing research and focus groups….

« END OF PART 1 » 

COMING SOON: Part 2, in which Brian explains how the massacre of 1,200 Israeli civilians can be transformed almost overnight into a geopolitical win for Islamists who dream of a born-again caliphate AND into a welcoming, inclusive “safe space” for the lost souls on the Progressive Left and the Radical Right who are desperately seeking what Pastor Rick Warren, in a different context, calls The Purpose Driven Life.

“What On Earth Am I Here For?”